#unproved theory321

we all make up our own sadness.

the ones who do it well get put up in print

or if you're not so lucky then the hospital

and if you make that work for you then i guess you could even become famous.

So lately we've been on the Titanic and have been convincing ourselves that "...our ankles aren't wet, just sweaty from dancing".

Well hello- Earth To Students In Denial! Yes, it's an iceberg; and yes, it's big; and yes, you've fucking hit it square on the nose.

...Oh, and there's one lifeboat left. On three go!

So yeah.

Enough of complacency, and enough of procrastination (I promise that this is just a break and in ten minutes I'll be back at the desk Statisticsking), and it's time I do my future some justice. No pressure or anything...

The past few days have been up and down and everything in between. Who needs Universal Studios when you've got the A Levels? Have you ever FELT THE ADRENALINE RUSH WHEN YOU LOOK AT AN ECONS PAPER AND HAVE A MAJOR WTF MOMENT there's nothing quite like it, I assure you.

Still, though, there have been blessings to be counted. There've been the marginally stellar moments. And even the quiet moments; like a little while earlier when I was tackling Math and listening to Imi Heap-- and the part where she goes:

"Not now but soon
The most beautiful light
Will wake us to pillow fighting excitement

Standing by the best days of our lives,
Magnificent, the best days of our lives,
Big bang boom, the best days of our lives
They’re coming right up
If we can just get through this one.

Who said it was over?
It’s as good as it gets
Well we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves yet--"

... and I listened to that and just felt comforted. Eighteen and toiling and never more alive!! i will sing as long as there is still air to breathe.

School has been draining lately, with the odd bit of funny anecdotal stupidity tossed in here and there. Creme de la creme? Us? Really?

eg:

"This is the basis on which other such arguments are based." (Kenneth's GP paper)

"Foreign direct investment is investment obtained directly from foreign sources." (Epic Fail at definition of FDI)

"All the world is migrant." (When all else fails, we misquote Shakespeare)

"Wah lao, be or not be" (Mr D's 'Hamlet: Condensed')

"Yay! Bitch dies!" (Mr D's 'Tess of the d'Urbervilles: Condensed')

and aptly, too;

Mr D: "Pocahontas 2?? Who watches those sequels- they're crap! Like that High School Musical 1, High School Musical 2, High School Musical 3: Senior Year..."

Chris: "Next up- ...High School Musical 4: Retained."

Cara: "Starring... Us."

40 days to go and I'm gonna come out swingin' like a flapper from the '60s.

terrifying best days of our lives--

Me: "Let's go out the day A Levels end!"

Amrit: "By the time A Levels end I will have a FULL GROWN MOUSTACHE. I am not going ANYWHERE with you."

I am not a child.

What part of "no longer eight" do you not understand?

I love you but sometimes you make me sick to the core; ill to the bone

it's not organic carrot puree; you can't forcefeed me any more

with ideals you claim you ground straight from the Bible.

if that's God I don't believe in Him

but that isn't God and I know it. You don't.

what part of "daughter, not autopsy blueprint" do you not understand?

This isn't the Spanish Inquisition. We're Asian. And you are not the thought police!!! who gives you/ what gives you/ (i certainly didn't) the right to think you can pull open the flap (right, left, this one needs stitching) of my tired torso and reach raw inside what holyman chutzpah do you claim to smear what salve that will save my soul?

i'm going to stop angsting now like a thirteen year old with too much eyeliner and xanga -time. you guys make me compromise my street credibility. must be the influence of all the MAGAZINES I'M READING, RIGHT, LOVES? because of course it's reading Style one day, and sex drugs and rock n' roll the night after! of course. we all learnt parenting from the Cosby Show.

have a little faith in me. I'm tired of fighting.

When will you learn, and what will it take, and what have i not tried yet that will finally make you see?

re: I'm a rogue, not a thief

... no; I don't WANT your boyfriend. I have my own. You can keep yours.

x

It is 9.30am on a Saturday morning-

and I am sitting here in my nightgown thinking DAMN IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE.

The sun's all hot and heavy outside but somehow I don't mind, because I'm kind of cold in here and I think in a little while I'm going to go to my brother's outdoor shower and sit in the middle of the wooden planks just basking.

Facebook Newsfeed hasn't moved in about half an hour, which is a little bit scary. So I assume everyone's either asleep & recuperating from the past frankly quite hellish week/ starting Revision Round #...1209892309ojsadskalk in preparation for Impending Doom.

i love how i give myself a false perception of freedom~~

yesterday was nice: spent gymming and jacuzzing with Erik at the Club, and then always with the sugar fix, so we headed to the rooftop@harbourfront and I had a bigass cup of frozen yogurt and stole sips from Erik's cup of what-I-hope-was-diet-coke (he refused to tell me. damn enigmaticness...if that's even a word. if not-- PATENT)

then, having no frantic lastminute revision to do for any paper the next day- I went back home and made dinner for myself with the salmon in the fridge and toasted honey almond cereal and milk (i am so self-sufficient) and then spent a happy half hour just belly down on bed and texting random people and all the while enjoying the luxury of TIME.

and then I watched Troy for, like, only the thirty-second time. Dad came back and watched it with me... he was evidently cringing at all the gory Director's Cut bits; and whenever Achilles stripped off his armour; you could see Dad's hand edging for the control...

until I got tense and took away the control and assured him "it's okay, I've seen all the Weird Bits before- and besides- the Weird Bits don't come just yet. Relax."

my parents are very conservative.

I agree that sex should be kept for marriage; but i hardly think handholding is going to get anyone pregnant. And that one time i lay on J's lap to watch television- ohhhhh, Hades.

so dear boyfriend; ...hence the circumstances. be extra lovely and i might tweak the rules a little bit and maybe even LINK PINKIES ON THE TENTH DATE

;)

But digressing from parents.... back to myself.

It's about time to get changed and head out to meet Di for our weekly Saturday gym-sushi-study session combo. Excited to gym, and I stepped on the scale today and it went down, which is always a nice surprise- esp seeing as how I was noshing on froyo and my sister's too-good-to-be-healthy seaweed thing yesterday--- feeling kind of worn out from General Examness; but I think once I blast some Beyonce and Britney (yes, guilty workout pleasures. don't hate.) I should feel aaaaaa-okay.

I finished editing my Lit H3 commentary before 9. That's my dose of Over Achieving done for the day.

Now on to meet luna sorella, moonsister, spend time at the gym, and then laze the afternoon away reading Tess of the d'Urbervilles for monday's paper 5.

here we go.

one day soon these days will end.

but for now you are the little monster guilty in the closet

who looks up with hands sticky from the glitter you swallow to colour your throat

to colour your stories.

for now over long telephone calls

you make big plans about things that happened four years ago

and talk excitedly about meeting names you should never have rewound.

for now every day at three o' clock you enter the two-way glass

and spend an hour rocking in front of a little man with hungry eyes

who screams words like "yes!" "electricity!" "mum!" ...no regrets..........

at home you rearrange magnetic poetry to replace "little", "hungry", "screams"

and watch how the story changes.

for now you sit up

silent

in a white nightgown

between sister and sancta maria

silent.

god giggles.

across every third storey pale children do the same.

we wait for the "to be" wonder why it never came.