Y'KNOW what the most retarded feeling in the world is?:

it's being bored as hell of life but not wanting to pull the trigger at all because you still have so much damn faith in the To Come; because you know it's gonna be sock-rocking worthy! I am at once infinitely happy and exquisitely miserable.

today Erik asked me what my plans were, post- A Levels.

... to be perfectly honest; for the first week or so, the plan is just to wake up everyday at 2 o' clock in the afternoon, curl up in the sheets with coffee and sweetener, and just watch old movies all day in my dressing gown. if I'm feeling particularly adventurous I might come out of my room for toast, or something.

After the initial Luxury Of Time period, however; I want to...(and this is where I realized just how GEEKY I am; because wakeboarding aside--)

1. learn how to wakeboard

2. greek mythology

3. take greek A-levels

4. read "sons and lovers" & "the great gatsby"

5. learn how to bake

6. write lots and lots of songs

7. buy cat ears and wear them while scribbling incoherent poetry all day

8. start writing letters to people

9. write to Florence and the Machine and give her permission to use my nightmare as music video inspiration

...besides #1, which makes me kinda cool; the rest are pretty much safe in the realm of Geek. Which- y'know- is kinda okay, really. Because finally I will have time to do all the lesser Geeky things that so far I have overlooked in the grand scheme of doing Nerdy things-- ie doing mindless Mathematics, throwing History-onics, getting Excessively into Economics...etc.

I'm fine with being a geek but don't ask me to fly the nerd flag-- THERE IS AN INTRINSIC DIFFERENCE.

today everybody seems to be airy and restless and a little bit on the edge. saturday static? I'm certainly feeling it. Okay, Singapore, reserve it for Monday.

i want the same white nightdress florence wears in heavy in your arms i can't wait for the shimmering shrapnel that floats in backs of tired minds like the dreamcatchers you can't catch

need to return lisa's library books homer sappho: there will be time after this for all of the old poets. you have old worlds to see and new faces to meet. you darling need to stop being defined by who you are with: you have nothing to prove to me you have nothing FOR me

i need to stop the tragic run-on prose and learn to be concise. cambridge clipped. STOP

you can't hunt down what you're searching for because they're on the run with me and if you reach into my chest to get them your hand's going to come out red with nothing but MY blood

it's okay i use the melancholy for my late night poems. don't need to be fixed

i am not

b-b-b

b-b-b-broken

i am an alabam.