^ if this was Christmas, this is what it would look like to me.

Me, announcing as I burst into Mum's bedroom this morning: "... Hi. I have had the singularly worst night's sleep in the history of the world."

Mum, rolling eyes: "... You and your italics."

Let's get one thing straight.

I am not the kind of person who suffers from amnesia.

I climb into bed, curl up under the sheets, check my alarm clock about twelve times (ocd compulsion) and do my little ritual of repeating "Six. Colon. Fifty. AM. Alarm. On." about the same number of times because I am paranoid I haven't set my alarm, even though I blatantly have-

but once I've settled down; I'm pretty much lost to the world in a matter of minutes.

I am not the kind of person who "can't sleep because I keep thinking of things". I have learnt the good art of Compartmentalization: sweep it off, and leave it for tomorrow. Sleep comes first.

...but not last night/this morning.

It's not like I was even thinking of things. I mean- I was, kind of, but not majorly. My mind wasn't racing, or anything like that, I wasn't worrying, wasn't pondering... I was just Existing.

And still, for some reason, I couldn't fall asleep. Not at all. And when I can't fall asleep and it starts getting late; I also start getting edgy (and not cool-edgy; I mean nerves-edgy).

I also started getting That Feeling (...you know; THAT one) I get when I start thinking that the whole world besides me is asleep or uncontactable, and it was awful- just little me in my little drifting sailboat, bobbing in a sea of dream sepia with all my ghosts moving in slow motion under the water like malignant selkies.

Which is why a tiny, hovering light appeared on the frightening, dark expanse of ocean when a certain Toni Nicole Jackson FB Walled me at the exact moment I felt like breaking into tears (I know, mature), with a random but thoroughly uncannily-timed "*soulsisterly hug*".

The thing about Toni and I is that we can go without talking for ages- but somehow the bond is there, always, always there; and somehow or other we always end up sending each other love when the other needs it most, even though we're not consciously aware of the other's Time Of Need.

I drifted in and out of fitful little sleep jerks; until I woke up at slightly past 5AM...and couldn't get back to sleep after. I just lay there feeling the clock hand tick steadily up my spine, and my mind was just...grey. And this thought occurred to me, but I pushed it away and focused on trying to let myself fall back to sleep.

I did, eventually, for about an hour and a half, and dreamt strange dreams.

When I finally woke up past a half-decent hour, I sent off an inquiring message and discovered that: - yes. Was indeed the case- you had been suffering, halfway around the world, and I had felt it.

It disturbs me deeply, at the same time that it moves me with the same intensity- that it's still there and it should go, it should go, it will.

I wonder if you've ever felt anything when I was in pain.

And you#2? there's this quote from Looking For Alaska when she goes, "Don't you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don't love the crazy sullen bitch."

Only your name's not Pudge, it's not love, and I haven't watched anything past M-18 with you.

--

It hasn't been all doom and gloom, though.

I'm too tired now to blog in detail about all the wonderful things that have happened today, I will when I have upped my sleep quota; but for now- here is a List of them.

List of Things That Made Today Wonderful:

1) Reading the sonnet that Jaime's knight in t-shirt and jeans wrote for her. It was exquisite, and old world, and brought memories, and made me smile.

2) Toni's soulsister hug kismet

3) Running into the sulin serio store and perching on the high stools with Di, amidst all the jewellery and feathers and clothes, and dabbing glitter tattoos onto her face

4) Spending the day with Lisa and Lyn (iggy sisters!) studying in Starbucks and generally being semi-productive

6) IGGY Sister Connexions, failed photography attempts, and Caribbean colours

7) Junie's text message correspondence: hot pink shirts and thinking happy thoughts! best advice I've had all day. "think about something happy. Not in a shallow ____ happy way. I mean a deep one. it works."

Goal for the remainder of the day: Be deeply happy.

And it will work.