This is going to be another one of those inconsequential blogposts about nothing in particular.

But it's Monday and I'm tired and writing is one of the few things that still gives my dull grey existence mild pleasure these days, so here we go.

It's Monday and I'm tired and if my existence isn't dull grey my uniform definitely and still is.

I don't like Mondays- it's a long day at school, there's P.E, we have a two hour history consolidation, and then I traipse back home to freedo--- ...no, two more hours of Math tuition. FUN.

Whatever. P.E was surprisingly fun. It looks a bitch when you're watching from the grandstand but when you're actually in the thick of it, throwing around a smelly ball and wearing a smelly sash it's actually a little more than tolerable. On the rare occasions we get to hold hockey sticks one even tends to feel considerably badass. Holla at me, Team Garter!

We played softball without the bats and Amrit kept catching the ball for the other team and cheering loudly by accident when it wasn't our goal. Xu Yang got frustrated with her on numerous occasions for catching the ball when she wasn't the runner/running when she was the pitcher/etc and it was hilarious and all I could think was SINO-INDIAN WAR OVER AKSAI CHIN & SUBSEQUENT JEOPARDIZING OF CHINA-INDIA RELATIONS.

This is a definite sign that I am ready for A Levels. Duh.

Am debating over whether to apply for overseas universities.

Once Upon A Smilier Time I was absolutely convinced I would be a PSC scholar to Oxbridge, where I would go on to be class valedictorian and president of the drama club and in-demand law graduate extraordinaire and subsequently go on to practice law (wildly successfully, ofc) for the grand total of 4 years before becoming a millionaire and retiring when I hit the 40 mark.

Now that I am no longer 8, I know better.

Hell yes, I am still going to work my ass off; but this time my dreams are encapsulated within the boundaries of Reality. (although I still hold on to my president of drama club ideal. And who says you can't become a millionaire by 40?)

So now it's the overseas?/local? debate. If I do go overseas, it'll have to be on scholarship, since my parents are adamant about letting me send in my application for their version of the PSC (Parents Sponsor Cara) scholarship. And I think part of me is still the part of me that was desperately itching to- y'know- head out there! see the world! independent college grad takes on university life solo! etc... but part of me is going "hey, home's not so bad, maybe". Also- I have a great new house back home. I don't want to live in some little hole in the wall and subsist on instant noodles and canned soup.

I want to Live, but I also want a certain Quality of Life.

... so it's all in God's hands.

I won't close any paths to myself, and I'll follow where He leads. I keep forgetting He knows best - " I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you"- and I think that's the raddest reassurance of all. Am no holey moley but I think there's a beautiful assurance in being able to rest in His palm amidst my stacks of math rough paper and university applications and go, "...God, your will be done."

... You know what I MIGHT consider subsisting on instant noodles and canned soup for, though?

Missions.

I've decided that come end of the year, after A Levels, I will be leaving this country three times:

1) Phuket-Australia jaunt with Amrit + whoever

2) Mission trip

3) Operation Raleigh

Lately I've just been feeling this calling to go abroad and help people.

... i know- this coming from the girl who'd rather have an iDog as a pet and wishes her own dogs would all turn into cats or stuffed dogs/bricks/stones/assorted inanimate objects, I'm not picky

but I think this is something I really want to do. Someone told me "why go at year end? too late already cannot put on your CV" but honestly I couldn't give a damn about my CV. Or okay I do kind of give a damn but it doesn't matter if it doesn't show up on my resume- this is something I want to do because I Want to do it; I am compelled and I will go, I will go.

So Operation Raleigh might be a little tricky because I went and did my research and apparently it involves not being able to wash your face and having to build your own toilet seat out of sticks and leaves or something. It is so not going to be the Hyatt. ):

... but you know what?

When it comes to a worthy cause, I think I can sacrifice facial hygiene and I will learn to shish my own kebabs over gas fires and twigs and collect my own drinking water in leaves when it rains or whatever it is you do when you set up camp.

... and what worthier cause than PEOPLE- to go out there and go on your knees beside them to build their homes, go on your knees to wash their feet, go on your knees as they go on theirs and pray for and with them, go on your knees to hug a child with wide dark eyes who has never watched Dora the Explorer and whose idea of a treat is just having food on the table.

so yeah. Bring on the homemade toilet seats and the having-to-set-up-own-tents (which inevitably WILL collapse when a spider scurries over them because after all I will be the one constructing said tents).

I'll do it. I'll go.

Nicaragua > my Nvey Eco compact; Costa Rica > Clarins.