One poem and several inane text messages aside, I haven't been writing much at all lately.

Chalk it down to an odd lethargy.

By the time nine o' clock rolls around, my lashes are lowering and the world looks like it's moving slowly- sound takes on a queer consistency and my words roll sluggishly around my tongue like sludge.

Walking up the stairs is getting harder. Food is nice, but not entirely neccessary. And I'm tired of seeing everyone governed by this ratrace fear- everybody's so fixated on the future, they're forgetting all about the present and I completely understand that this is an important year... but doesn't anyone else besides me see past the grey and the grades and the tears over alphabets on paper? ...we're only going to be here Once.

say it with me:

"Once"

--- i dare you to be able to keep that word on your tongue. you can't. you round it between your lips and think aha! but then it trips between your teeth and in the minutest of a moment (a sliver of a second, like this --> 1/1/1/1/1/1/1/1/ flickering old screen style) it's gone. a soft, sharp gust between the gap of the two buckteeth they used to laugh at, pre-orthodontia, and then: nothing.

I've been keeping a reasonable lid on things, and have even been Properly Happy quite a number of times over the past few weeks-- but truth is there are all these Feelings (i know: terrible, laden, womanly word!!) and (but) I feel like if I don't get them out- and i have to, by hook or by crook: pull apart my ribcage like fishbones and reach deep in------------------

cry.

I'm so tired.

I'm so frightened, Mother.

...and this is not addressed to Mother Mother my Mother- it's addressed to MOTHER in all capitals- the name you either whisper in reverent tones or else it's up there on stone walls blinding men:

MOTHER EARTH MOTHER GAIA, MOTHER COSMOS, MOTHER WHOEVER HOLDS US TOGETHER AND WITH HER OUTSTRETCHED ARMS POLARIZES THE DESTRUCTIVE INNER FORCES THAT WOULD OTHERWISE TEAR US APART

... help me.

Hear your child. This is my time of need- come.